As classes enter their fourth week this year, I enter my first week as a genuine resident at the University of Tampa. Yes, I have recently resigned from my post at Residence Life and now find myself with much more time on my hands. In the future I hope to invent time travel, journey into the past and give the knowledge to my younger self so that it becomes possible for me to eat, sleep and travel about in the one to two hours a day I had earmarked for such tasks on my previous schedule. But for now I have too many lifestyle changes to cope with to tackle the problems of quantum physics.

Where I used to regularly start the day by consulting a to-do list with twenty items or more, I now find myself struggling to even write a list, which includes such Herculean tasks as “Take a nap,” “Write a to-do list” and, my favorite, “Eat?” as though it was merely a good idea.

I also find myself prepared to embark on new hobbies. Those of you who know me realize that “recreational eating” tops my selection of relaxing activities on most weeks. However, the fact that I am now a participant in UT’s ever-appetizing meal plan means that I always know where my next bite to eat is coming from: the thrill of the hunt is gone. I need something new.

Of course, it has occurred to me that I could become a professional auctioneer, if only for the right to append the title “colonel” to my name. However, that alone wouldn’t cater to my desire for excitement, romance and danger – or at least as much of those things as I can get without being exposed to any real discomfort or inconvenience.

As is usually the case whenever I turn on the TV, I have found just the answer.

Since I have rarely, if ever, done anything more physical than walking around, it is difficult for me to find a sport that I can expect to excel in. Whenever there’s a ball being thrown around, you can expect me to hit the dirt, even if the players are nowhere near me. This problem isn’t limited to physical sports: past experience has proven that even the possibility of an amorous encounter with one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met isn’t enough for me to learn to play chess.

So that brings me to