TO: Timmy Q. Resident McAustley Hall University of Tampa
FROM: Office of Pre-crime Vaughn Center University of Tampa
Dear Mr. Resident,
Please do not be alarmed. As you read this, helicopters are converging on your position. As you know, you are housed in a dry residence hall here at the University of Tampa. You may also recall that you are under the age of twenty-one. Recent statistics show that an alarmingly high number of undergrad students will engage in at least one act of illegal alcohol possession in college. Therefore, in accordance with Article Pi, you are being taken into custody for the future consumption of a fifth of Jack Daniels. The appeal you plan to lodge has been considered in full and rejected.
It is an exciting time here at the Conduct Board. We have recently updated our Sanctions Manual; in addition to written apologies, students found responsible for infractions will face the possibility of expressing their remorse via interpretative dance. In addition, thanks to the tireless efforts of the University of Tampa’s cutting-edge physics department, we have acquired the ability to see through time. We assure you that even though it may be possible to open your window without setting off the fire alarm, you will not be able to climb to safety without a harness and rope.
For your protection, your harness and rope have been removed from the premises.
By now, members of our specially trained Pre-crime Unit are making their way up the elevator. The elevator will most likely stop at every floor, so this gives you several moments to reconsider any future visits to Ybor City. We note with interest that last Thursday night, you chose to abscond with the following city property: a) one stop sign, b) one traffic cone and c) the branches of several trees. These will not provide sufficient camoflage in this instance, even should you make owl-like hooting noises. As all hopes for escape crash down around you, I would like to thank you for your impending cooperation. Please remember that there is no way to plead “responsible except insane” in C-Board.
P.S.: The photographs of you wearing the giant foam beer hat while hoisting a bottle of liquor in each hand with your roommates beside you and the name of your residence hall visible behind you and slightly to your left are inadmissable in any Conduct Board proceeding; please remove them from the tackboard over your desk and place them somewhere out of sight within the next two minutes to avoid unnecessary embarrassment. In the event that your Minority Incident Report clears you of wrongdoing, you will not be charged for the cost of the door which is now being removed via controlled explosion.
– President-King Simos D. Farrell,
Benevolent Dictator of UT, circa 2009 A.D.